- March 5, 2019
- Comments: 0
- Posted by: mousumi
“Open the door for God’s sake! Everyone is waiting for you!” Sarita was screaming outside.
But What I could hear was that only my voice inside my head saying “don’t listen to anyone!”
I was always a child who was stubborn & listened to no one. I took my own decision in every step of my life, most of the times I succeeded and many times I failed. But the best thing I always felt for myself was that “I never regret”. I was ambitious; I was career oriented; I was talented enough always to acquire the first place in my comfortable field; I always used to choose the thing what I wanted , not what I was supposed to; I was reckless when everyone used to say “please take a break!”. In last thirty years I was what I am, but now? Why am I stuck in this little yellow room & fighting with myself?
There’re the red benarasi lying on the bed, maa’s wedding jewelleries & my all time favorite garland of jasmine flowers. Though I was always more comfortable in jeans-tops than any other attire, I always had a soft corner for sarees with absolute bengali look. But today, I was still in dilemma whether to wear that red saree or not, staring at myself in the mirror wondering how & why so puzzled I was today! Because there was never grey in my life, either black or white. Then why now?
“Don’t create a scene please! Everyone will be hurt, please come out. We’ll discuss everything later peacefully. For now please don’t embarrass your parents Aditi” , again Sarita was blubbering something, but now in calm voice. I missed the first lines, but what did she at the end? “For now please don’t embarrass your parents Aditi”? I mean seriously? This was the girl who used to say me “live for now, do the things right now whatever you want to do, never wait for the future; because the fire you have right now, you won’t have it ever” & now she’s just contradicting herself? I just couldn’t believe my ear! Or maybe it’s not her, it’s my head. All these words were actually running through my head. But embarrassment of my parents? I had never embarrassed them in my life. I always got to hear from them was “we’re so proud of you Aditi”. I didn’t know what was she saying! At Least she shouldn’t have said that.
I could still remember for the first I met her in a restaurant. As I had my own boutique business while doing my Phd and also planning to gift myself my own website on my 20th birthday. Oneday my boyfriend gave me her contact. Our first meeting was planned in a restaurant and then Our frequent meetings for sake of business just happened that’s way. The business relation turned into a close friendship anyhow someday. And that friendship turned my whole world upside down; because though I was reckless,ambitious,self-dependant, I was a little self-centered too and she taught me what the actual Freedom means.
Today I was all shattered, broken and confined ownself in this room to hide what I was actually and that girl who helped me to open my heart out to the fullest, not to hide anything,she herself was saying not to create any scene!
She might make my life the most amazing I could have never thought of in my life in these ten years, she might know what I needed and what I chose in every step of my life, she might know me better than I do. But she didn’t know one thing when I love someone, I can fight for that person with the world; & what I can’t do is hiding myself, my own entity what she made me realized.
I had always chosen what to do or not. But my destiny chose something else for me and I thought I loved my destiny. Today I was given only two options, either wear this red benarasi and meet the boys’ family sitting downstairs or face the whole world,my parents with the truth which I was hiding in this little yellow room.
But you know being stubborn and being a saree lover what did I choose at last? I chose the red benarasi and Sarita both. Destiny didn’t give me option when I was born whether to be homosexual or heterosexual. But to live my life I chose what I was, not what society wanted from me. And this time Sarita was wrong, loving her unconditionally was never an embarrassment for my parents, rather they’d still be proud of me, I know! 🙂
And so I did. Wearing the red benarasi, holding Sarita’s hand and going to downstairs I welcomed everyone in the room and said to my parents, “I love Sarita and I can marry only her. Yes, I am gay and she’s the one who makes me the happiest than any other boyfriend in my life. She was actually stopping me to do this because she thinks that this truth may embarrass my parents, my family; but she doesn’t know that I have never learnt to compromise in my life”.
There was a pin drop silence in the room for a moment suddenly. I thought may be I was wrong, but I was prepared for everything. Breaking the silence at last what my father said was that “doesn’t matter, because we’re still proud of you for not compromising in life,ever!”